Nothing in your life can prepare you for this:
Questions:
(1) Obviously, the most pressing question is this: "Do the makers of this commercial want us to buy this product, or are they trying to turn us off of meat forever?"
(2) Is that voice-over
(a) simply part of the soundtrack?
(b)a Manchurian Candidate style hypnotic trigger designed to send someone out to bring the system of capitalism to its knees?
(c) a voice inside the women's heads?
(d) a voice inside the women's heads projected by the chicken, announcing impending bloody vengeance on the human world for this and this(!)?
(3) The women at the restaurant seem to be exchanging knowing glances, as if to say, "Do we dare try the Kana hakkliha?" What do they know that we don't? Something tells me that deep down they suspect that KANA HAKKLIHA IS PEOPLE! IT'S PEOPLE!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Your New Timewaster
If I could have prayed to the god of Cyberspace, I would have asked for the Failblog. Here are some of my favorites so far:
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Waiting is the Hardest Part
We're officially at T minus 2 weeks, now, and counting. And counting and counting and counting. People have told us the days leading up to the delivery are tough emotionally, especially if the mother is overdue. We're not quite into that territory, yet, but we're pretty much ready for the little fella to arrive already. Watoosa says that for a while, she had small worries about the whole delivery process, but now she's looking forward to it, if only because it means the end of being pregnant. It was magical and wonderful for a while, and hers has been blissfully free of complications, but she'd like to be able to actually lay on her back for more than a few seconds.
Yesterday, she came down with an acute case of boredomitis. It was too hot to go outside, and she didn't want to do anything in particular, but she also didn't want to be bored, so she lay on the floor and demanded to be entertained immediately. I suggested that it might be fun for her to sit quietly and watch me finish my nonogram puzzle, but that seemed to just enrage her. I figured it would be good to practice not-disturbing-Daddy-when-he's-working, but she seemed to have different feelings on the matter. Oh well.
Everybody asks her when she's due, now. And I mean everybody, from a stranger on the other side of a busy street to the girl working the register at taco joint last night. Watoosa says that people respond differently, but fall neatly into categories. Old men sort of chuckle, knowingly. Older ladies want to know all the details, and then want to share all their stories of childbearing and childrearing. Younger men and boys seem a little freaked out, as if she might "pop" at any moment.
The nursery is ready, the car seat is installed, the doctors lined up...nothing is left to do except wrestle with the following questions:
1. Will the baby have more hair than me?
2. Will he develop a New England accent, so that he sounds like Good Will Hunting or Cliff Claven from Cheers? We sure hope not.
3. When facing the inevitable envy and resentment from his peers at his superior good looks and staggering intellect, will he be able to handle it with grace and humility, like his daddy does?
4. Will his mother succeed in her fell attempts at preventing an appropriate fervor for college football?
5. Will I be able to persuade Watoosa that my weak stomach should preclude me from diaper duties and vomit clean-up?
Keep watching this space for the answer to all these questions--and more!
Yesterday, she came down with an acute case of boredomitis. It was too hot to go outside, and she didn't want to do anything in particular, but she also didn't want to be bored, so she lay on the floor and demanded to be entertained immediately. I suggested that it might be fun for her to sit quietly and watch me finish my nonogram puzzle, but that seemed to just enrage her. I figured it would be good to practice not-disturbing-Daddy-when-he's-working, but she seemed to have different feelings on the matter. Oh well.
Everybody asks her when she's due, now. And I mean everybody, from a stranger on the other side of a busy street to the girl working the register at taco joint last night. Watoosa says that people respond differently, but fall neatly into categories. Old men sort of chuckle, knowingly. Older ladies want to know all the details, and then want to share all their stories of childbearing and childrearing. Younger men and boys seem a little freaked out, as if she might "pop" at any moment.
The nursery is ready, the car seat is installed, the doctors lined up...nothing is left to do except wrestle with the following questions:
1. Will the baby have more hair than me?
2. Will he develop a New England accent, so that he sounds like Good Will Hunting or Cliff Claven from Cheers? We sure hope not.
3. When facing the inevitable envy and resentment from his peers at his superior good looks and staggering intellect, will he be able to handle it with grace and humility, like his daddy does?
4. Will his mother succeed in her fell attempts at preventing an appropriate fervor for college football?
5. Will I be able to persuade Watoosa that my weak stomach should preclude me from diaper duties and vomit clean-up?
Keep watching this space for the answer to all these questions--and more!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Impeccable Logic
From The Pirates! In an Adventure with Napoleon:
'Baby kissing is a tried and tested way of getting votes, Captain.'
The Captain didn't look convinced. 'Thing is, number two, what's the voting age nowadays?'
'It's eighteen, sir.'
'Exactly!' The Pirate Captain waggled an informative finger. 'So there's not much point lavishing all this attention on babies when they can't even vote for me, is there? I should be concentrating on the eighteen-year olds. And you know which other bit of the electorate is often unfairly overlooked? Women. So really it makes a lot more sense for me to spend the morning kissing eighteen-year-old women.'
'Baby kissing is a tried and tested way of getting votes, Captain.'
The Captain didn't look convinced. 'Thing is, number two, what's the voting age nowadays?'
'It's eighteen, sir.'
'Exactly!' The Pirate Captain waggled an informative finger. 'So there's not much point lavishing all this attention on babies when they can't even vote for me, is there? I should be concentrating on the eighteen-year olds. And you know which other bit of the electorate is often unfairly overlooked? Women. So really it makes a lot more sense for me to spend the morning kissing eighteen-year-old women.'
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Fireworks
Last night, Watoosa and I had dinner at the home of some new friends, and then we walked over to the Back Cove to watch Portland's fireworks display. The display was pretty good, and the bursts of light were reflected in the water. The only drawback was that our distance from the launch spot meant that the explosions weren't very loud. But since our friends had their 1-year old daughter with them, that was probably for the best.
Here are some of my most memorable fireworks experiences, in no particular order:
Independence Day 2004 (Cedar Hill, TN) My extended family traditionally gathers at my grandparents' farm for major holidays, and for the past 25 years or so, we've shot off a mess of fireworks on the 4th of July. During 2004's session, for some reason one of the "big ones" traveled only about 20 feet up in the air before exploding. I got hit with burning fragments in the middle of my chest, on my side, and on my arm. My shirt protected me from the first two, but the last one burned the skin on my arm like you wouldn't believe. I still have a scar. Good times!
Independence Day 2003 (St. Louis) Every year, St. Louis holds a big fair right downtown, and it culminates with the Independence Day fireworks shot off from the river, which means they're framed by the Gateway Arch. But since it's the middle of the summer, seeing the display usually means slogging through the stifling heat while being crushed by the masses of sweaty plebeians, many of whom are shirtless. In 2003, though, one of our friends invited us to watch them from her office, which was in the tallest building downtown. Watoosa was sick that year, so she couldn't go, but I got to watch the show while sitting in a cushy chair in blissful air-conditioned comfort. The view was fantastic, too.
Independence Day 1998 (Seattle) I was studying in Vancouver for a few weeks that summer, and went down to Seattle to visit my friends Nick and Jenn. Nick's parents were in town, and we all took an evening boat tour of Puget Sound, after which the boat dropped anchor in the harbor for the fireworks show (which were launched from a barge not too far away, as I recall). Very nice. The one drawback was that the music accompaniment included Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." I could do without that.
New Year's Day (Night?) 2000 (New Orleans) Watoosa and I and a dozen friends or so all went down to New Orleans to ring in the New Year. I had been to New Orleans a few times, but never during Mardi Gras. New Year's, I was told, was like all the nights of Mardi Gras crammed into one. I wondered if it would be a bit much (in addition to the worries about the Y2K bug--remember that?), but we had a blast. The fireworks were OK, but this was the first New Year's that I was with a significant other, which means it was the first time I got to start the new year off with a kiss. My friend Steve, alas, was not so fortunate. I offered to plant one on him myself, but that didn't seem to console him.
Bastille Day 1999 (Paris) Watoosa and I got engaged just a few days before in the Luxembourg Gardens, and this was the last day of our trip to Europe. That morning, we saw the military parade on the Champs-Elysees. It was impressive--far more than France's military tradition itself. Since our hotel clerk told us that the fireworks display was held the night before (which made no sense to me), we figured that was the end of the festivities. But that night, we had finished eating dinner and were walking around the Esplanade des Invalides when we heard explosions in the distance. We raced over to the Parc du Champ de Mars and saw one the most spectacular fireworks shows I've ever seen, with the Eiffel Tower in the foreground. It was the perfect end to a perfect trip.
Here are some of my most memorable fireworks experiences, in no particular order:
Independence Day 2004 (Cedar Hill, TN) My extended family traditionally gathers at my grandparents' farm for major holidays, and for the past 25 years or so, we've shot off a mess of fireworks on the 4th of July. During 2004's session, for some reason one of the "big ones" traveled only about 20 feet up in the air before exploding. I got hit with burning fragments in the middle of my chest, on my side, and on my arm. My shirt protected me from the first two, but the last one burned the skin on my arm like you wouldn't believe. I still have a scar. Good times!
Independence Day 2003 (St. Louis) Every year, St. Louis holds a big fair right downtown, and it culminates with the Independence Day fireworks shot off from the river, which means they're framed by the Gateway Arch. But since it's the middle of the summer, seeing the display usually means slogging through the stifling heat while being crushed by the masses of sweaty plebeians, many of whom are shirtless. In 2003, though, one of our friends invited us to watch them from her office, which was in the tallest building downtown. Watoosa was sick that year, so she couldn't go, but I got to watch the show while sitting in a cushy chair in blissful air-conditioned comfort. The view was fantastic, too.
Independence Day 1998 (Seattle) I was studying in Vancouver for a few weeks that summer, and went down to Seattle to visit my friends Nick and Jenn. Nick's parents were in town, and we all took an evening boat tour of Puget Sound, after which the boat dropped anchor in the harbor for the fireworks show (which were launched from a barge not too far away, as I recall). Very nice. The one drawback was that the music accompaniment included Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." I could do without that.
New Year's Day (Night?) 2000 (New Orleans) Watoosa and I and a dozen friends or so all went down to New Orleans to ring in the New Year. I had been to New Orleans a few times, but never during Mardi Gras. New Year's, I was told, was like all the nights of Mardi Gras crammed into one. I wondered if it would be a bit much (in addition to the worries about the Y2K bug--remember that?), but we had a blast. The fireworks were OK, but this was the first New Year's that I was with a significant other, which means it was the first time I got to start the new year off with a kiss. My friend Steve, alas, was not so fortunate. I offered to plant one on him myself, but that didn't seem to console him.
Bastille Day 1999 (Paris) Watoosa and I got engaged just a few days before in the Luxembourg Gardens, and this was the last day of our trip to Europe. That morning, we saw the military parade on the Champs-Elysees. It was impressive--far more than France's military tradition itself. Since our hotel clerk told us that the fireworks display was held the night before (which made no sense to me), we figured that was the end of the festivities. But that night, we had finished eating dinner and were walking around the Esplanade des Invalides when we heard explosions in the distance. We raced over to the Parc du Champ de Mars and saw one the most spectacular fireworks shows I've ever seen, with the Eiffel Tower in the foreground. It was the perfect end to a perfect trip.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
My New Route
I had a great ride today out to the southern tip of Sebago Lake. I wondered if I'd be able to find some good rides once we moved out to Westbrook. From Portland, it was still pretty easy to cross over Casco Bay and ride through Cape Elizabeth to the Portland Head Light (and for a longer ride, to Prout's Neck). I could still do that ride, but it would mean adding on a few more miles of uninteresting city riding each way.
But I've been really pleased with the rides inland. The New England countryside is beautiful, and there are more hills. I miss having a lighthouse to look at, but the views of the lake are still a nice reward for pedaling.
Here's the route:
But I've been really pleased with the rides inland. The New England countryside is beautiful, and there are more hills. I miss having a lighthouse to look at, but the views of the lake are still a nice reward for pedaling.
Here's the route:
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
What's Cooler than Bein' Cool?
Ice cold.
Which was the approximate temperature of the water in my shower this morning. Watoosa first noticed the lack of hot water, and it turns out our boiler is down.
I had gone for a jog and was super sweaty, so I had to have a shower. After my brain processed all the impulses of frigid agony coming from every single nerve ending in my body, I couldn't help but think of the "shrinkage" episode on Seinfeld. Those of you who have seen it will understand me when I say that I may never be able to use a stand-up urinal again.
At least it happened in July, and not January!
Which was the approximate temperature of the water in my shower this morning. Watoosa first noticed the lack of hot water, and it turns out our boiler is down.
I had gone for a jog and was super sweaty, so I had to have a shower. After my brain processed all the impulses of frigid agony coming from every single nerve ending in my body, I couldn't help but think of the "shrinkage" episode on Seinfeld. Those of you who have seen it will understand me when I say that I may never be able to use a stand-up urinal again.
At least it happened in July, and not January!
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