Just Think of the Occupational Hazards

Here's a job I'd never want to have, regardless of the salary: public restroom reviewer. The NY Times apparently has one, who's posted a review here of an automated toilet in Madison Square Park.

I've heard about these automated toilets before, and it sounded like a pretty great deal; since they are self-flushing and self-cleaning, they avoid the absolute worst thing about public restrooms, at least those devoted to males: for some reason, men seem to abandon all influences of civilization and decency once they enter, and prefer to leave their offerings right there in the bowl for the next guy to witness. I've long been baffled by this, since it's clearly a negative-sum game--we all suffer when even a few of us refuse to flush, and yet it's so easy to avoid that outcome. I can't believe that all these men don't flush their toilets at home, so why not just take the 0.5 seconds and hit that lever? If you're grossed out by touching it, use your foot (like I do).

Luckily, I've been blessed with a bladder of steel, so I can quite comfortably delay taking care of business until I can do so with a home court advantage, so to speak. But I have longed for a technological fix to this particular shortcoming of human nature.

It looks like I'll have to wait a little longer, though, because it looks like these automated units have two shortcomings that I don't see myself getting past. First, you're given only three 16-inch strips of toilet paper. Granted, that's typically enough to get the job done, but what do you do in those extreme cases? You can't just wait for the thing to reset, because the entire room gets cleaned after every use. Are you supposed to zip up, exit, and tell whomever's waiting outside that you that you want another ride?

Second, there is dampness everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. Part of the point of having a guaranteed bathroom is that you don't get your trousers infected by fluid on the floor. And there's nothing worse than the sensation of sitting down on the toilet seat and feeling moisture. You pray to the gods above that it's just clean toilet water that splashed up there after the last flush.

These units cost $100,000, so they may be slow to catch on. But hopefully they'll get a couple design improvements before they do. In the meantime, I'm forced to put up with the great unwashed.