Monday, June 18, 2007

Central Illinois...


...is just as mind-numbingly dull as I remembered.

But the Texans who proudly ignored the narrative of Genesis 11 and built the chintziest largest cross in North America may want to break out the tape measure, because we saw one here in Illinois that was exactly like it.

The strategy behind these edifices is shrewd. The builders know that the drive from St. Louis to Indianapolis and from New Mexico across the Texas Panhandle is so agonizingly boring that it (a) induces a kind of stupor, thus lowering the mind's critical faculties; or (b) causes motorists to seriously question the meaning of their existence. Either way, they're just bound to make a few converts out of the people who stop by the accompanying gift shops (yes, you read that right--they have gift shops).

One thing the Texans have over the Lincolnites, though, is the generous offer of free 72-ounce steaks (free, that is, provided you eat it all in one sitting) at Exit 75 of Interstate 40. I seem to recall that there was a Simpsons episode about just such an offer, but I didn't realize it was based on fact.

The monotony of Illinois' share of I-70 has so diminished my creative powers that I am unable to write further.

*END TRANSMISSION*


2 comments:

Phil K. said...

Yes. That offer is made in Amarillo, TX if I'm not mistaken. And I believe they call it the Big Texan.

Also, have you never seen "The Great Outdoors," the classic family vacation tale starring John Candy and Dan Ackroyd in the 1980s? In it, John Candy gets talked into eating "The Ole 96er." I'll let you take a guess at how big that steak was.

hayumbone said...

That cross (in IL) is stupefying, isn't it? All the more for being stuck in endless flatlands.

And, our Chicago friend Eric W. did eat his way through the "Big Texan" (if Phil K. has the name correct) when he was in college at Rice some years ago. And then promptly stumbled outside and threw it all up.